Sometimes I find myself really sad, because I haven't been really sad for a while.

Sometimes I write because I want to be read, not understood.

Sometimes I paint because I want to paint.

Sometimes I find myself really sad, because I haven't been really sad for a while.

Sometimes I think it's a bliss to be forgotten in this world, because the concept of the World is corrupted.

And I'm that kind of selfish person who doesn't care about the worldly corruption. Because I'm a non-worldly person - is that allowed?



Sometimes when I tell someone about this, he would persuade me to be less pessimistic and problematic, and that the world is full of possibilities. I don't deny his viewpoints and way of seeing things, but I'm just the kind of person who can't tuck my soul into bed by singing a lullaby. I drink pessimism and feed on grief and sadness. Because that's where I come from. It's my homeland. I'd actually prefer having the idea of being occasional 'homesick' over pessimistic.


Then he would try even harder to influence me, or show me a Better Way of Thought. To make life easier, he always says. But he's always using his story as an example, and I don't think he's listening at all, which makes me regretful whenever I try to speak. Eventually, I learn to just nod.



-


One day, I had my hair dyed for the first time. The hairdresser showed me hundreds of colour palettes before my eyes. Bright red, eccentric yellows and you know, some other colours that you might only have seen on cartoons... I couldn't make the decision and asked him to pick one for me. It was like a personality test, and I allowed a stranger to write the description for me. It turned out to be Sienna Red. I looked into the mirror. I was thrilled, it's the first time I actually undergone a major change in my appearance. Yea, I was satisfied.


And then I went home, back to my little green room. I looked into the mirror again. The Sienna Red was shining on my head and my face was in a sickly green reflection. I looked extremely tired. It's like I haven't slept for ten years or my face have never stopped weeping.


I felt sad for the short-lived happiness I once had in the salon. It could not help.


-


Something more 'optimistic'.

I read Carver's Cathedral early in this morning. Took a short trip to Notre Dame with a doodle on a random piece of paper. Had dumplings with a little bit of kimchi. Poured myself a nice glass of sake and made a wish on the first day of lunar new year. No relatives, no parents, no Traditions, no role-plays. Just me and the refreshing air. Perfect.


 © 2021 Kong Chun Nga, Kitty